The Sexual Advances of an Extraterrestrial

I, like so many others, had my childhood destroyed by a brown, wrinkly, arthritic and lustful little bastard.

He circled the perimeter of my home, aching for me to throw my ball in the field by accident. Only then, after months of waiting, did he show himself. He gave me flowers and bicycle rides, and I was content.

Little did I know that while I was at school he was eating from my fridge, bullying my dog, spying on my sister and drinking himself into paralysis.

I, fortunately, was made aware of his lustful intention before things got too sour. It started with a simple request, for me to wash him, I accepted - he’s got small legs so I felt bad for him, not being able to get in and out of the bath. He then asked me to join him within the tub. Since I have a fondness for bathing I again accepted, with hesitation. My hesitation was justified only moments later, when a glowing bulbous object emerged from the water. I instantly fled, he tried to convince me he only wanted to save my flower from dehydration. I pretended to understand his argument, and while he was drying himself off I called the vet. She arrived and put him down several hours later.

The Last Supper

I’m back! Been maybe 4 or 3 months since I last posted something, wasn’t through being overly busy, being on holiday or any other usable excuse. My absence was pure unfiltered laziness and lack of interest in any creative pursuit.

But much like Jesus (although that didn’t happen) I have made my long awaited (although most of you probably didn’t notice my truancy) comeback. I’d love to say it’s a triumphant return, but I’ll admit it’s a sub par attempt at creativity. However, there’s faceless bears, carrots, me naked and some kind of religious theme, everybody can be happy.

Aaron, Oooooccchh oooooooohh, I………want your bathtub.

I may have overreacted at the time, but I can handle the fact that you’re my father.

I can deal with having one of my hands lazer sworded off by you.

 It’s a bit weird we keep meeting each other on different planets and spaceships, but that’s ok!

I didn’t really notice or care that you destroyed my sister’s home planet.

I’m kind of annoyed that you chased me in your spaceship thing on the death star, but I kind of blew it up so I guess I win there.

I’m open to the idea of going over to the dark side, although you are a bit too clingy to the idea, and that old pervert emperor guy will be the first person I force lightning kill.

But never, and I mean never, touch my fucking bathtub.

End.

I’m kind of growing to the idea of Star Wars, very gradually. I’ve already made my feelings clear on Luke Skywalker in this post: http://aaronread.wordpress.com/2012/09/29/if-i-could-fish-slap-you-i-probably-would/

However I haven’t gone into my thoughts on Darth Vader. I favor him considerably more than any over lame character from Star Wars due to his final moment on film (not that ghost moment). When he took off his helmet to reveal that he is in fact……my childhood hero…….Dizzy the prince of the Yolkfolk!!

Now another poll to reassess the usefulness of it.

Zouzou Potter

I couldn’t sleep and wasn’t really sure to to draw next, so I kind of stumbled through this.

Despite donating about a billion hours of my time watching and reading all the Harry Potter things I only seem to remember Dumbledore’s beard, noises made by Voldemort and maybe Harry had frog’s legs or something once in a lake?

This one is for the person who originally got me into the Potter series, who as it happens is also the greatest human being in the history of human beings.

Three you say?

Inspired (or directly taken) from Disney’s Aladdin, which I watched for the first time recently. Or maybe inspired by that Christina Aguilera song, before she forgot to wash? Who knows? Although it’s the first one.

Aaron and his fetal space sack

I’m pretty sure my parents don’t know of the existence of this blog, or if they do then they’ve never been here. They may have actually forgotten about me altogether? I should probably make some sign to show them I’m still alive, like throwing my used teabags against the dining room walls or shaving my beard off and not washing it down the sink.

Anyway, back to the thing…

Despite the fact that I was the major protagonist in the events leading up to and during my birth, (sure mum did some work but let’s face it, it was worse for me) I recall a surprisingly small amount.  Combining that with the lack of parental presence here, I thought I’d take the liberty of recreating my birth. I’m sure they won’t mind.

So it’s quite simple really, up there in space somewhere is a planet with rings, like Saturn. The rings, again like Saturn, are made up of tiny little naked versions of me. There must be tens of thousands of naked me circling around in space. Every 7 years a naked me is randomly selected, attached to a galactic umbilical cord and nurtured until fully formed. This process in its entirety takes around 27 days. If you’re wondering what nutrition a planet can give a naked version of me then it’s simple, the umbilical cord sucks up and liquifys all underground mammals, like moles and…and….bats?

On the 27th day the fetal sack will burst, and the naked me will digest the umbilical cord and randomly space move to the nearest hospitable planet. The journey causes such distress on the body it causes it to shrink, you know how grey haired people have been through some ordeal? It’s the same for small people.

You can figure out the logistics and fill in the blanks and other stuff if you really care enough? But right now I’m going to stop talking since my fingers are bored.

Farewell Cleocatra, my love. Egypt is not for me.

I’m back in my bath!!

Always a sad moment when you say goodbye to a Pharaoh, although I think she took it a little worse than I did, what with the snake biting suicide and all. Sorry ancient Egypt, my bad.

Oh, and that’s milk.

I kind of like the cat.