I’m pretty sure my parents don’t know of the existence of this blog, or if they do then they’ve never been here. They may have actually forgotten about me altogether? I should probably make some sign to show them I’m still alive, like throwing my used teabags against the dining room walls or shaving my beard off and not washing it down the sink.
Anyway, back to the thing…
Despite the fact that I was the major protagonist in the events leading up to and during my birth, (sure mum did some work but let’s face it, it was worse for me) I recall a surprisingly small amount. Combining that with the lack of parental presence here, I thought I’d take the liberty of recreating my birth. I’m sure they won’t mind.
So it’s quite simple really, up there in space somewhere is a planet with rings, like Saturn. The rings, again like Saturn, are made up of tiny little naked versions of me. There must be tens of thousands of naked me circling around in space. Every 7 years a naked me is randomly selected, attached to a galactic umbilical cord and nurtured until fully formed. This process in its entirety takes around 27 days. If you’re wondering what nutrition a planet can give a naked version of me then it’s simple, the umbilical cord sucks up and liquifys all underground mammals, like moles and…and….bats?
On the 27th day the fetal sack will burst, and the naked me will digest the umbilical cord and randomly space move to the nearest hospitable planet. The journey causes such distress on the body it causes it to shrink, you know how grey haired people have been through some ordeal? It’s the same for small people.
You can figure out the logistics and fill in the blanks and other stuff if you really care enough? But right now I’m going to stop talking since my fingers are bored.