I have a confession. I’ve held it in for about 2014 years, but a mixture of guilt and the fact that everybody else involved at the time are now proper fully rotten in their coffins. The thing is, Jesus didn’t really come from God, there ok, I’ve said it!! Worst part is over.
Mary, my sweet blue eyed Mary, well she wasn’t so pure in real life, we may have secretly done things a couple of times around the back of the camel shed, not that Joseph cared, he was more concerned about making pathetic little cots that could barely stand up. Obsessed he was, obsessed with having a family, 10 kids, some goats, llamas and other horrible milk producing mammals from whatever part of the world we’re actually in, that’s the dream for peasants, isn’t it? Unfortunately (for him ;)) he was completely impotent.
So, one day Mary notices a bump on her belly, originally she thought she’d pigged out a little too much on baba ganoush, but the bump grows, she starts getting fat everywhere else, sick, sweaty, bitchy, eating weird shit, real ugly stuff. She approached me, told me she’d pissed on a stick and it turned blue. Had a little problem on our hands after that. So, we did the best thing to do in any circumstance: lie.
She told Joseph that some angel man thing came to her at night, gave her a little God magic and then buggered off leaving her to cope with the lord of humans (I can’t believe he believed her either). Meanwhile, I stayed in the village, working in the bazaar, selling off crappy metal bracelets that rust like shit in the shower or rain. I watched her get fatter and fatter, until the day of birth. So overcome with emotion was I, knowing my son was about to be born, I shrugged off my peasant’s clothing, and chose to be with her during birth.
However, when I saw the baby covered in womb juice, I did what any good father does, I fled and let the mother cope alone.
While fleeing the country, I met three weirdos looking up at the sky, I doffed them all and stole their gold, stinky oil thingy and myrrh. Which I later sold to fund my cocaine addiction.
Apparently Joseph got angry and drunk, beat her, and forced the kid to pretend to be the son of God. Things kind of got out of hand after that.
So children, the moral of the story is….don’t lie!
*For those who don’t work as head of flowers for your respective employers or those who are just poorly educated, the thing in my hand is an unopened oriental lily stem.