Ode to Meat

Ode to Meat

I’ve been accused of being lots of things, but never a vegetarian. I mean, how could somebody limit themselves to such a joyless existence. The first person to see a mammoth or whatever it is and stab it with a pointy stick, set fire to it, and then feast upon its corpse was a fucking genius!  Even that borderline transvestite thing that sings and dances likes meat enough to wear a full on meat suit.

I know I’ll be obese, red, out of breath, full of cholesterol, stink, angry and die when I’m 28, but that’s something I’m willing to accept.

It’s not as if I don’t like animals, I do! Love it when cows block the road so I can’t get to the bus, and every vaguely farmer like noise I try to make is greeted with a gormless stare, I love that. Just like I love coming downstairs in the morning to find a great big steaming shit in the middle of the kitchen, who wouldn’t want an animal companion when they keep giving these beautiful gifts!

My family are lucky we live in a mildly civilised country, that frown on eating family members. If I lived in Peru or one of those other third world countries then my parents would have been long gone, stir fried father, pumpkin and mother soup, I’d eat them all, and I wouldn’t stop. Actors, politicians, athletes, farmers, emergency service people, artists, bank managers, cashiers, fishermen and strippers. I’d eat you all (except for Madonna, you make me vomit you gristly tramp)

Now, I hope you all join me in putting on Rachmaninov’s Piano concerto No.2 in C minor, getting completely naked and covered in animal fat then flail around with the finest rolled topside of beef you can find. And don’t worry about the 10 minutes of self loathing afterwards, it’ll pass. Go on, treat yourself.

4 responses to “Ode to Meat

  1. I’d always imagined you’d make a better vampire than purely just a ‘meat’ man =D! Just think of the possibilities! Vampires have now evolved greatly over thousands of years so you can now freely go outside at any time of day not ever worrying if you’d burst into flames and turn to ash…you may now glow or maybe not so much…just depends on whether you were born a glamorous vampire or now? And that cow in the middle of the road who’s blocking your way to the bus?…well you wouldn’t even need to take the bus well unless you were born a lazy vampire who refuses to just turn into a bat and fly over the cow and get to work instead. And just think, you could even be a vegetarian vampire these days and have relentless compassion for all things alive (except for rats I suppose) drinking blood from rats but not having to ever eat, that way you’ll remain very suave and thin..you know so that you’ll always look dapper in your vampire cape! And of course you’d have a cape!! You see we’ve long ago established that your secret* occupation is super hero whether it be Captain Quick Draw or some other persona of yours but anyway the point is why eat meat and spend all of that time chewing while instead you could be lounging in your cool vampire coffin (you probably can even get a flat HD screen put into the inner lid and surround sound I’m thinking!), fly over cows and humans and animals…rodents..that mess on your kitchen floor….all of the dirty underwear you refuse to wash…..just one request. ~~~> Pleeeeeeeease!!! stop turning them inside out and wearing them twice =O!!!! That’s not a good look or smell for a dapper vampire =). And you’re welcome, just here to help =P.

    • I would make a good vampire! Think of all the idiots I could mercilessly evaporate from the world! I prefer the traditional middle ages version of the vampire though. Staying in the dark, living underground during the day, mischief at night and frilly shirts. Oh, and cape, naturally!
      However, I think you somehow missed the point of this post haha, I love meat! I love chewing meat! So, I’m thinking mix the two, and just chew on random vagrants and lowlife’s necks.
      I don’t just wear them twice!! what a waste that would be!!!! Blimey, I turn them inside out, then back to front, then outside in!!

      • I can totally picture you with the complete vampire package of frilly shirt, cape, staying in during the days eating Count Chocula cereal @ all hours of the night time! Or would you be more of a say..Boo Berry type of vampire?? It’s like getting on the Wheaties box for vampires and spooks you know, and only the good ones get picked I hear =P. I’m totally cracking up at your last comment….OMG =O!!!!!!!!! Your are vampire-level frightening! =D

      • Boo berry?? count chocula?? I have options? rather than feasting upon my maid? Hey, your not the first person to be frightened by my pants wearing antics. Did you know Mexican cleaners stole my pants when I was in Belgium, thats how famous I am, in the world of pants.

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