I’ve had a really really bad week, lost my passport, not travelled, been arsed about by the post office, I keep dropping things and my dog keeps pooing on the kitchen floor. So, I decided to do this post, it may get a bit tedious toward the end but you can always stop reading. I’m not a hateful person (that’s a lie) it’s very hard to annoy me (that’s not the truth) and I never moan about anything (still lying) but if I had a really big sweaty stinky fish that I could slap 9 things with, then these are those fish slapable things……
1. Luke Skywalker: Mr Skywalker is a bastard. Bad things happen to people around him. His non descript uncle and aunt died, that green little thing disappeared in his bed after talking to Luke, his aeroplane buddy died, Obi Wan got smashed apart by Luke’s robotic dad and his friends got chased across an entire galaxy by some old perverts storm trooper people. Oh, and he also built the two most annoying things in the entire history of cinema, C3P0 and R2D2, then he wanted to nail his sister. He has the haircut of a 4 year old child and his voice is far too whiny for me to actually understand the things he says – like some mutant bat human hybrid thing. I hate you Luke Skywalker, you squawky bastard.
2. Belgians: For not being symmetrical.
3. Masterchef/People who take food seriously: It’s not something luxurious, I don’t want it presented to me in the shape of 5 bunny rabbits building a thatch roofed house. I want it cooked quickly with no dramatic music in the background, I want it put in front of me, and I want to eat in peace. If some arsehole critics the food I’m eating then I get angry, leave me be. It only gets churned up and pooed out anyway. Let me style my poo in front of these judges.
4. Moths: Maybe somewhere in time my ancestors where part moth, or bred with moths or had some vague connection to these angry hairy little birds of shit. They fly near me, land on my face when they don’t have a light to fly into, they make me vomit far too often. They aren’t needed on the planet, remove them for me please because I’m not touching them.
5. Passports: They are the most horrible colour in the rainbow. The photos always look terrible. They are too small. They get lost too easily. Stupid people in the post office don’t know how to do the ‘check and send’ service properly. They are too expensive. They take too long to be delivered. They are bad.
6. Justin Bieber: This one includes every single celebrity that is more famous than talented, and any moron who does that stupid sign with their hands when they are being photographed. But back to Bieber, I hate his stupid shiny corn head, his duckling beak mouth, his silly slug eyebrows and his generally persona. Why’s his face so smooth? I want to slap him around and give him some colouring. Justin, go and sit in the rain and rot, then buy a cave and never leave it. Thank you. (my advisor said I should be a bit nicer in this one. I guess his music isn’t so bad? I mean, I only wanted to hang myself for 20 of the 22 seconds I listened to it)
7. Cornwall: Everyone is a farmer. Everyone is illiterate. Everyman over the age of 30 calls me ‘my love’. There’s more cows than people. The roads aren’t straight or flat. It stinks of manure. Nobody understands the concept of a schedule. They trade in potatoes instead of money. Burn it.
8. People who stand in my way when I’m walking: There should be two lanes on pavements, one for people who know where they want to go, and one for the fools who left their house for no reason. Not sure why your outside? Go back home and sit in the dark please.
9. Gimli son of Gloin and his lover Legolas: This includes C3P0 and R2D2 and just about every disney character. Don’t make jokes in potentially epic situations. That rainy fight in lord of the rings was amazing, except for the constant one liners from a certain homosexual dwarf. Well done Legolas, you killed a really big elephant thing, but don’t slide down it like your surfing and you probably said something when you reached the ground. C3P0’s constant penis insertion references. R2D2’s bleeping. Stop it!!!